sungirl

When starting this new online venture, I was unsure how to approach it.

Once I wrote and it came from a swinger prospective and once from the prospective of an escort. I am neither anymore, but mainstream I am not and will never be by any means.

Much like when a piece of metal is bent, you can work hard to straighten it back out but it’s never quite right again. There will always be a flaw or an imperfection in the piece of metal that changes it forever.

This is my life and history. I will write it again just from a different perspective, viewed from a very different seat in the arena of life.

I used to refer to mainstream society as “vanilla” or “The Vanillas” and to myself as “Rocky Road”; though I do feel normal and somewhat boring at times. What I think is boring or normal may not be to everyone. You need only look at insane people; they truly don’t realize they are insane.

In the beginning, there was only me. I truly felt the world should accommodate and bow at my feet. Narcissistic was my name. Narcissism was my game. Only if you knew the rules could you play along.

I was raised in a normal healthy family, with two loving parents, upper middle class and wanted for nothing in my childhood. I was spoiled to death and didn’t know any different! I thought everyone lived like us. We were the beautiful people!

The gorgeous mother married to the handsome father, who had stunning children, living in a picturesque home that was flawless and lovely. I learned from an early age how to play the beauty game and how to use that pretty card to get whatever I wanted. I didn’t know it was wrong. I just knew it was what I was taught and how I got what I needed. Yes, there is a double standard for beautiful people; it’s not just a myth.

One day, I was launched out into the world. I started with a few blocks to build my life foundation. Building blocks that said “Look at me”, “I want”, “Give me”, “Gratify me”. This was my foundation to build upon. Reflecting, I can admit, back then, I was not a very nice person.

I got my first job working at the airlines. I loved the busy atmosphere. Every day was different,and at times outrageous. I worked at JFK airport in NY, in the department of FIS or Customs & immigrations. These were the days before 911. Back when things were not as severe. It was a time when life was much simpler. I could write a book just about the many ridiculous things that would transpire on a daily basis. FIS was the heart of outrageous, bizarre, and weird. My self-importance fit just right in the extreme mix.

While working at the airlines, I was stalked by this guy. I just couldn’t seem to shake him. He was a ramp worker or what they referred to as a ramp rat. I felt he was way beneath me. He was much like virus though, and I became weak. He wore down my defenses and managed to work his way in to my life. He would eventually become my husband. We spend the next 26 years married and having many wonderful adventures, as well as numerous sorrow filled days. Peppered in between, we did have an abundance of years of just normal life. I think!?

That man, now my husband, only fed my narcissism. Helping and allowing me to grow into an out of control monster. The more I got the more I wanted, or felt I needed.

I don’t believe he did it with malice or purposely. He only wanted to keep me and for me to be happy. I still hadn’t learned the lesson of moderation, which came many years later. My spouse added to my life more building blocks meant to reinforce my foundation. Many more blocks for me to build with. These were blocks of gluttony, arrogance and brazenness.

In time, I added even more; the blocks of disrespect, hardheartedness and shamelessness. By this point in my life I really didn’t know there was any other way to be.

Then life stepped in and smashed everything I ever knew. My base foundation had disintegrated into dust at my feet. I was told, “Now build it again.”

Karma is a Bitch and she knows it!

Rebecca
* Never quite right, but less mean and so much NICER!