Soo …. my ‘Stalker’ is dead.
Dead after a two year relationship, the longest one I’ve had for sometime. I lived in fear and excitement never knowing where or when he would pop up again.
I did hit him once. I smashed him real good. I went to get a napkin and when I turned back; he was gone!!
I heard the crunch. He was on his back on the floor with one leg missing. I cleaned up the one leg. I thought, ‘He must have gone off to die somewhere’.
Months passed. One night, he popped up.
I ran to get a shoe but by the time I got back he was gone.
It was a stand off. I would look at him. He would look at me. Sometimes, he would run off. But, more often, I would walk off first.
Go ahead take the kitchen I’m not that hungry.
I knew the relationship was getting serious when one night he showed up in the living room. I jumped so fast you would think my ass was on fire. Maybe, he just wanted to cuddle on the couch.
I found out where he was living. He was living in my oven since I never use it.
One night, I had a date and decided to cook for him. Frozen pizza of course; lets not get crazy here. Well, the little bastard came out. I could swear he looked at me. We had a stare down. My eyes were pleading with him to go hide so the guy wouldn’t see him. He looked at me like bitch what the fuck are you doing cooking in my house. I won that fight. He ran off in defeat.
I wasn’t sure what he could be living on. I never have food in the house. Maybe, it was a grain of rice from my Chinese food takeout. I was told they can live off on a string of hair. With the way I shed hair, I could feed an army of them.
I went on a new date last night. He gave me a lovely vase with a single red rose. When I woke up this morning my ‘Stalker’ was floating dead in the vase.
I’m not sure if i should thank the guy for the flower he gave me that killed it or tell him this is a sign we should see other people.
~ RIP MY CREEPY PET ~
Rebecca taking candy instead of flowers and accepting applications for a new stalker.
****** google images