Talking about sexuality somehow jades you in the eyes of others. No matter how close of a friend you feel you are to someone the tone of the relationship always seems to change.
It has to do with the invisible boundary line we are taught never to cross and don’t push. Each of us is taught from a young age not to talk about sex it is a Taboo subject. To push the line or cross it makes others uncomfortable and makes you naughty and dirty. That boundary line is so very different for each person but gender plays such a big part.
An act that gives a high five to a guy usually translates to a nasty label for a woman doing the same act. The boundary line is very different for everyone but especially when you look at gender.
Recently I began to find my voice and write my blog once again. My boyfriend increasingly became uncomfortable with this, said I had changed. That somehow I was becoming different.
I hadn’t, the line had moved unknowingly in his eyes only. My boundaries had not moved, only how he viewed me and that invisible line. I was the same loving woman he had held in his arms hugged, kissed, laughed and made love with. I would never hide or sugar coat anything in my past from him. When asked questions about it I’d share whatever he wanted know. I’m not ashamed of my history or experiences I have had adventures most can only wonder about.
This same person, who had seen me naked many times, knew I was comfortable in my own skin, found it hard to accept that I could model nude for an artist and not be ashamed. I found this so puzzling. Now I was somewhat tainted & different. He felt that he never really knew me or was losing me. Losing me to what? I was the same person, same values, same wants and desires. I could only hope he could adjust to this new way he viewed me.
This is one example of many why women are so very cautious with what they say and don’t share. Holding back and only showing bits pieces of their secret desires and true boundaries. The judgment is more than most of us are willing to bear. Yes, mine are more extreme than most, but the judgments are all the same across the board. There are no different degrees of judgment.
When a woman to opens up and shares her deepest darkest desires or fantasies, this opens the door to being judged and questioned. It makes it nearly impossible for us to ever be equal with our male counterpart. They are applauded for being line pushers; we on the other hand are frowned upon. We’re held to a very different standard as women.
Maybe if we all just became brutally honest and not afraid of the finger pointing, we would lessen the gender gap. The conversation would be on a level playing field.
I don’t feel the subject of sexual boundaries and the differences between men and women and how we are viewed will be changed any time in the near future, but it is good to open the dialogue.
From a tough skinned female with years under my belt of dealing with taboo and judgment, I can only say that words still do cut.
*is covered with stitches and scars but also still fighting.